after a long wait

hey everyone!
I came back to blogger because its a lot more personal than tumblr.

well you guys, a lot has happened it really awesome how God has been moving in my life. I've encountered a lot of warfare from where I'm going to hinder me. Well first God has opened a lot of doors for me. I've become a part of the National Society of Collegiate Scholars, which gives out about a quarter of a million dollars in scholarships every year. All I have to do is apply for these scholarships...

I've become an intern at Councilman Leroy Comrie's Office.

enough about this. lets get to how i feel lol
I don't like the way my hair looks...sitting here I feel like pulling my hair out. MY friend is thinking about going to drink with his friends tomorrow and I really don't like that idea. No matter how you look at it alcohol is an influence and it does something to you. If you think that when you are drinking your are making your own decisions on your own, you're being influenced by something. I don't want him around the wrong people but unfortunately that's not my decision that's his.

I feel something inside of me. sitting in the Kingdom House office. sigh...I wanna lay down and pray. interesting. I wanna cry at my father's feet.

im dressed like an old lady today it makes me very upset.

I want some money....so I can go clothes shopping and buy a whole new wardrobe BUT at the same time im losing weight so buying a new wardrobe is stupid. my fat pants fit

EWW

ugh, im just kind of disgusted with myself right now

*goes and sits in a corner*

You don't Love me

its official. you hate me. no one can convince me any differently.

"Now, you try and run up in that church to repent, you cant do it now, its alrady done"

"why don't i get you the same thing for your birthday that your going to get for mine...nothing"

"This is all about you, It's Jessica's world and we're just walking in it"

"You forget to put out Grandma's medication sometimes too...I don't understand you"

I want you to go downstairs and find a hat for her because its going to be cold tommorow...

you hate me, you made me, the reason why I use these words is because you never let me speak and once i start harnessing my talent you make that seem worthless too.

KHYM loves me. They embrace my talents you dont...I can be 99% good and if I mess up once...that 1% cancels out the other 99%

Ricardo, Ayana, Sadio, Kareem, Shawlamar, Jermaine, Jessica, Erica, Prophet Jones, Janelle, John, Pastor Boyd and Mother Boyd, Alicia, Grandma

Those are the ones that let me speak desptie what it is I have to say

Everything seems worthless now. Because the one who brought me here wishes I never came.

You hate me, I understand...but that doesn't mean I'm going to hate you.

But keep on smacking me with your words despite the changes that I'm making and try and keep me away from my Kingdom House Youth Ministry Family...the only family that never left me alone at night at home etc. cursed at me and spoke bad onto me

Try to take me away, because it seems like its KHYM and Grandma...those are the only people who love me. Despite all the times I may have disrespected grandma she still loves me...everytime I do something for her she says "God Bless You" and I'm so grateful for that because thats exactly what I need.

You speak...and I want to die. When you started talking to me I just wanted to jump off the top of a building.

You hate me, I understand

I've made too many mistakes in my 18 years for you to forgive me...but in your 53 years of life you've made mistakes too but here I am still loving you.

I want to say something like you dont deserve me. I used to think I didnt deserve you...everything that you've ever done for me I thought I couldn't repay you...and its like I'm paying for everything in blood sweat and tears.

You cut me open and watch my heart fall out of my chest...and then you leave.



There's two roads left and right...your presence strikes fear in me. This is getting way too serious now.

You push me in the left lane while advocating the right one ...

Pick one.

You hate me, I understand. but that doesn't mean I'll stop loving you.

how i felt.

i loved holding you in my arms, the feeling of another body close to mine, the heat that had combined between our bodies the difference between your heartbeat and mine was fine...unseen by human eyes because deep down inside i felt a thump, and my heart began to race, like i was shocked by some unknown force. i gave you a part of my heart because you said yours was long gone, i must care if i gave you a part of mine.

francis.

your hands felt like soft blankets securely holding my body within its grasp, your finers felt like light traces of a missed kissed from years ago. a feeling that i wanted to feel because i missed it, but was afraid to because it might leave. attatching myself has been hard after Jonathan...allowing myself to feel the intimacy i missed, the hugs and kisses. I had forgotten how you looked but never forgot how you felt on the inside and out. the feeling has changed though, alot more rugged, comtemplative, and distant in some sense

but i hope the piece of my heart i gave to you beats forever on in your chest and that my blood revitalizes your soul.
i wanted to allow my lips to merge with yours but i couldn't not now yet...next time i will allow flames, cool flames, of emotion to rip through our lips and light candles in our soul. next time

there will be a next time.

francis.

my frustrations are running high, faster than the speed of light. i feel like im in the middle of the street, playing in traffic...secure in faith that i wont get hit by cars but watching the wind whip slices through the protective barrier God created for me. Baby, why did she have to hurt you like that. I mean i wanted to be the one, the forever the only, but all i seem to run in to are problems. She hit you not only with her hand but with her words, you know when physical abuse has come into play everything has gone to far. bruises and cuts can heal but it takes the heart a long time to heal which is probably why i wont see the beauty of your soul and your heart in a very long time...i want to say ill be around but this shield is slowly breaking down just like my knees under the weight of the air. something i cant see has never affected me so much...created so much weight on my shoulders. collapsing slowly, breathing softer, covering my mouth, shielding my eyes, keeping my heart, watching yours break slowly i need an escape, some thing that will tell me that pain does not exist because i dont want to feel it...

shes already laid words on your heart and soul now she lays hands on your body things have gone to far.

please leave. the door is right there...


and when you exit through that door i'll be there in the other side...
waiting like i have been for years

something short but powerful

truthfully
im scared. but willing.
petrified. but with faith
i am strong

A letter to everyone...

Letters make up a name and names dont come with identity, names are just labels. so I ask you not to label me, because of the name given to the disease I have. I've fallen into deep depression, soul searched for a long time, and understand telling you was not easy and no matter how many time I've told myself telling you is difficult. I've overcome a lot in opening my mouth and confessing something that has affected my life and will continue to. Understand that you have run across a genuine personality, a true and loyal soul, so I ask you as a fellow human being, to be understanding and compassionate towards me. Try not to hurt me, and tell me the truth because that's what I will tell you. Now, life is much more than breathing to me, its living...and if we are ever to become closer to each other we have to live together and not breathe together. I am blessed and I ask God to use me as a vessel to bless others, and I want you to know that I am a true friend. Again, try not to hurt me and tell the truth. I know that if we do decide to stop talking I hope I have contributed something amazing to your life, you have entered my life for a reason and I have entered your life for a reason, so no matter what happens...I hope that we both learn from each other and as a result grow mentally and spiritually.

Thanks for listening. and understanding.

Burn. -- in progress

your fingers intertwine with mine
i witness the twilight in your eyes
that twilight sets a flame in my soul
and my hear begins to beat again

your hands are soft at the palms
yet calloused on your fingers
probably from the abuse inflicted upon you
and your desire to release your frustrations

the passion burns in your eyes as bright as the morning sun
yet your soul illustrates the light shown during sunset
but i feel like i can be your sunrise
so can we burn brightly together?

We'll burn together holding each others hands
light the world and show them what they've been missing
people will wish they had what we have but they wont obtain it because

we burn brighter then one thousand suns
we burn brighter than the hope that resides in our eyes
we burn together, all the time
we burn together, all the time

the fire is cleansing, being angry can be useful
and as i watch you release your pain on those drums
you ignite my heart beat
theres something in your eyes, an energy that flows through your hands that rejuvinates by body

and they will be jealous because they want what we have
and they will get made because they cant obtain it
frustrated, they will burn
but not like us because

we burn brighter then one thousand suns
we burn brighter than the hope that resides in our eyes
we burn together, all the time
we burn together, all the time

i thought this day would never come, where a touch would totally alter my world
but the heat in your hands, the fire behind your eyes
the desire that flows through your fingertips
it has ignited my soul once again i am whole

i didnt think this day would come where we would burn brighter than 1000 suns
brighter than the hope that shines in our eyes
...for the brighter day that we create with the light we've made between our hearts

the light between our hearts...